Here’s a quick guide to using TeamSpeak with a MMOG guild. Some of you may be new to TeamSpeak (and its ilk: Ventrilo, et al) and are a bit apprehensive about its use; others may be veterans but are seeking advanced techniques. I can’t really help with any of that, but I can recount some of things my guild has discovered after using TeamSpeak for almost a year now.

1. First of all, our guildleader knows his shit when it comes to IT crap, which helps tremendously. If we had to rely on me for fixing TS burps, we’d be in trouble. You’ll need someone in guild that knows his IT shit then blame him for anything that goes wrong. Get his cell number so you can wake him up at home when the TS server goes down … and so you can blame him for anything that has gone wrong.

A designated scapegoat is critical for all guild operations including TS. Remember this.

2. If a guildmember that plays a female avatar coincidentally can never get their TS microphone to work, this is a RED!! FLAG!! that the player is really male. Posts or guildchat similar to “I can never get the mic to work”, or “My old guild just let me listen cuz I could never get the mic to work” all mean the same thing: male. Get over it, you’ve been cybering some dude for months.

We actually booted some guy out of the guild because he finally fessed up that he wasn’t a chick. Turns out that several guildmembers had been cybering the pants off him (ba da bing!) and were furious to learn the truth. Haha, live and learn boys, live and learn.

3. “Push to Talk” is your friend. I don’t want to hear every body noise seeping from your orifices and I for sure don’t want to hear whatever ratass music is playing on your speakers. I also don’t want to hear the game fight music every time you engage the noob mobs. In summary, I don’t want to hear anything at all other than: Free stuff for Foton is on the way.

We have this older dude in our guild that REFUSES to use push to talk. Maybe his reaction times are so dulled by age that it would take him 10 minutes to find the talk button — I don’t know. At any rate, I mute that fucker every night so I don’t have to listen to his old lady ragging at him in the background.

He’s also heavily medicated. Coincidence?

4. I’m going to use a broad brush here, but if you have younger folk in your guild (pre-teen and teenaged wankers), let me just warn you in advance: they talk too much. Oh my god this! and Oh my god that! and excrutiating! details! about their school! day!! Fortunately, my guildleader has an even lower tolerance for prattle than me; he mutes that shit, server-side. I’m not sure they even notice they’re muted. No matter, everyone’s happy this way.

The lesson here: unless you’re about to pass on vital game info or some amusing anecdote, just keep your finger off the Push to Talk. (An FYI, any anecdote that ends with “you had to be there” is not amusing.)

5. Most importantly, if you’re apprehensive about using TS because your voice is girly, or heavily accented, or you’ve been posing as a popular radio show host, or because you’re usually drunker than Tara Reid, don’t be. Most TS guilds have heard it all already, and I can assure you, most won’t make fun of your voice until after you’ve logged out for the night. And again the next day before you log in.

Good news for you, though: You just won the nomination for Guild Scapegoat.