Living Dead Girl

I’ve been busy smoking the Warcrack lately; mostly trying to scratch out a living on the hard scrabble of a land they call “quest rewards”. Christ, would it kill the NPCs to put out a little more when I run all over the planet delivering their winky dink tomes and arcane knowledge? Foton’s toon has needs, man!

Since I’m not the type to update ye olde blogge with “Dear Diary: Today I killed a raptor. It was a close fight.”, there’s been no new material. Because, I think you deserve a little more for your IP access dollar. Or, rather, your employer’s IP access dollar.

Recently, the guild had another outting of a female toon. It’s not an uncommon situation: female avatar confesses that its driven by a male player … mayhem ensues when the male avatars express outrage … shemale avatar is forced out of the guild because our guild idiots were, apparently, whacking off to pixelated fantasies instead of FARMING PHAT LEWT like they were supposed to be.

Seemed plenty obvious to me, but I’m not a noob ’round these parts.

Back in the old days, in EQ-Cracktastic, one of the (real!) females in the EQ guild grew weary of the hormone-charged environment and asked to swap toons with me for a week or two. I agreed, mainly because I thought it would be a chance to take it easy during raids — her toon having a more support-type role than mine — and, I was curious if anyone would notice the personality change.

We had to swap back after about a week as the guild was convinced HerToon had become a sullen and moody asshole and that HisToon had become a homosexual raving lunatic. As I explained, her mistakes were: being polite and symphathetic (homosexual) and then playacting this weird amalgam of stereotypical male behavior (raving lunatic).

It was like Tom Cruise had taken up gaming and no amount of coaching from me could help her pull it off. (“Goddamit, don’t offer to help people. Why would you want to do that??”)

As a community service, (and I realize I risk the ire of real female gamers everywhere by attempting this), here’s a few clues that your female avatar e-friend/cyber ho is the real deal:

1. Polite, almost to a fault. Everything is “please” and “thank you” and “sorry to bother you”. Usually, they’ll add a smile at the end, too. I guess so you won’t think they’re thanking you SARCASTICALLY. (wtf)

2. Willing to help, even with the most odious of gaming tasks. If you’re facing grueling hours of camping a rare spawn, ask the guild chicks to help, they’ll be all over that … and with good cheer! By the time you’ve asked the entire guild populace, your group will be all females plus you. I think you can see why that is a good thing.

3. Yes, real females swear and bend the boundaries of good taste at times. And, this is hard to define … somehow it’s different. It lacks that hateful edge. A hypothetical example: guild is wiped on a late-night raid. Females go for the “shit!” or “fuck!”; males go all out with “fucking cock-sucking motherfucker of a game can suck me off til I’m dry”. Well, either that or we’re noticeably silent because we’re punching walls and throwing shit in real life. In short, cursing is our (almost only) method of communication; females seem to use cursing as a means of punctuation. Which is probably how it should be, but I’m getting too fucking old to change my shit.

4. They talk too much. And, they can type really, really fast. My typing is more of “wait” “follow” “kill” variety; theirs is “wait here, I’ll go get the mob and then we can kill” … all that typed and delivered in the same amount of time as my “wait”. Truly amazing.

Of course, the true litmus test (heh) of a real female is to get them on TeamSpeak for a group hunt. The guild actually made this a recruitment rule after our first shemale outting, because, it’s that important. Or something.

Seems like it would be easier to tell the guild idiots to stop sticking their dicks into every pixelated orifice. But that’s probably too much to hope for.

1 thought on “Living Dead Girl

  1. About time you updated the site, “we” have been waitin’.
    Raptors, hm you must be in STV, playing a human paladin ;)?

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