I saw Doom, The Movie that’s Not About Snakes or Planes, over the weekend. Internet etiquette would dictate that I not spoilzorz the plotline (as it were) but c’mon … we all know how the story goes in Doom.

SPOILER … There’s zombies of various levels of zombieness, they die, people die, there’s chaos, The End. That wasn’t much of a surprise, was it?

Naturally, I didn’t have a lot of hope for this movie, even on the very loose “Action Movie Quality Scale”, but the opportunity to make sarcastic remarks to friends and strangers alike was irresistible. (Think: LOTS of opportunities for sarcastic remarks.)

The movie could have been vastly improved if the small band of heroes ran across boxes of ammo and health kits like you do in the game. “Shit, we’re running low on ammo. Hey, here’s a box. Wonder what’s inside.” “Jesus, if only my health would regen faster, I might make it to the med lab. By the way, what was inside that box?”

The BFG makes a brief appearance, but the movie shitheads are such noobs they only fire it a couple of times. (idiots) They even find the damn gun early in the movie, instead of much later on like in the game. Hi. Big Gun Made by Advanced Weapons Lab. Use Please?

The best part is a short couple-minute segment where the camera perspective is like a first-person shooter, like it was in Doom, the Game, not the ass Movie: he’s swinging his gun (not the BFG, of course) from side to side, picking off the zombs here and there, switching to the trusty chainsaw when appropriate. Sadly, that part is over too soon and it’s back to being an idiot noob.

While brief glimpses of horrific monsters in flickering overhead lighting is very effective in a game environment, it’s just damn annoying in a movie. Crimony, let us see the damn things, that is kind of the point in a movie … visuals. Or, how about this — a boss monster? The fuck, is there one around here? Bah, I’d settle for seeing the boss wtfpwn all the Marines because they’re noob idiots that don’t use the BFG and I hate them.

Good thing for the Marines that the movie was set on Co-op Multi Player Easy Mode. No way they’d survive on Nightmare.

Learn to play.