People ask me all the time, “Foton, how do I find a guild as full of drama, pathos and misadventure as yours?” Naturally, my first reaction is: WTF? Who uses the word “pathos” in everyday speech? My second response is this: if you’re guilded, you already belong to one.

If you’re not hearing the good stories that your own guild is creating, ev-er-y gaming day, that’s because you’re not hooked up like I am. You have to find that one guy (or gal) who hears all the good stories — he (or she) is your guild’s gossip hag. Our gossip hag is a 16 year old warrior who talks to 90 percent of our servermates regularly. He also stays in touch with former guildmembers, which is something I don’t do because once someone leaves our happy family, they cease to be my problem.

The second hookup you’ll need is either your guildleader or a high-ranking guild officer. They’ll know all the inside dirt that isn’t shared with the general guild populace, like who’s about to get booted from the guild and for which infractions. (Is it cyber?? It’s cyber isn’t it?? I just know it’s cyber, that guy is such a man-ho.)

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking it would be easier to get the good stories by befriending the drama queens … go straight to the source, so to speak. This is INADVISABLE. Inevitably, you’ll get pulled into the drama and then suddenly, you ARE the drama. This will be you: how the hell did I become the drama, what just happened there? You were lying down with dogs and woke up with fleas, dumass.

This is why your guild hookups are so important. They’re the buffer between you (interested listener) and them (the drama queens, emo guildmates, and whathaveyous). They listen, they extract, they pass it on! They’re taking all the risk, you’re getting 100% of the entertainment. You can see the beauty here.

Take care of your contacts. Cultivate them. Shower them with kisses! The kind of entertainment they provide, you cannot buy, my friend.